Emotional Living?

Why do I jump when I should think and think when I should enjoy the fall?  I have been trying to enjoy each moment, live life with no regrets.  Then time stops and I think.  Think, think way too much.  In the moment, I am happy, but outside the moment I am confused.  Wondering where this path came from.  Is it a path chosen for me or a path I have made in my emotional mind.  I feel each moment so strongly.  I stopped planning my future a long time ago.  I lost my voice for many years and became a being without a soul.  Slowly, days pass, weeks pass, years pass, than a decade is gone.  All of a sudden, I start spiraling  downward - no way out, crashing into my inner darkness.
I begin to awaken, emotions flowing again, my voice is strong and loud.  Feeling each moment as purely as it comes.  Smiling, crying, laughing, loving as often as I can.  No longer dwelling on the past, yet I can't let it go.  Not looking toward the future - plans scare me beyond control. 
As of late, happiness has scared me more than it should.  The ultimate caring, giving of oneself is such a foreign concept.  I wonder if I will ever comprehend it.  I lose myself in these ideals of wonderful happiness, enjoying the moment.  Wondering how long it can truly last and why is it always me?  Ultimately tainting the joys with my issues of trust.