Why do I jump when I should think and think when I should enjoy the fall? I have been trying to enjoy each moment, live life with no regrets. Then time stops and I think. Think, think way too much. In the moment, I am happy, but outside the moment I am confused. Wondering where this path came from. Is it a path chosen for me or a path I have made in my emotional mind. I feel each moment so strongly. I stopped planning my future a long time ago. I lost my voice for many years and became a being without a soul. Slowly, days pass, weeks pass, years pass, than a decade is gone. All of a sudden, I start spiraling downward - no way out, crashing into my inner darkness.
I begin to awaken, emotions flowing again, my voice is strong and loud. Feeling each moment as purely as it comes. Smiling, crying, laughing, loving as often as I can. No longer dwelling on the past, yet I can't let it go. Not looking toward the future - plans scare me beyond control.
As of late, happiness has scared me more than it should. The ultimate caring, giving of oneself is such a foreign concept. I wonder if I will ever comprehend it. I lose myself in these ideals of wonderful happiness, enjoying the moment. Wondering how long it can truly last and why is it always me? Ultimately tainting the joys with my issues of trust.
Sitting in this dissolute room. No windows. Everyone trying hard to keep their hopes high. Making quick connections. Having nothing more in common than a difficult life, living the consequences of poor choices, poverty, depression and other aspects of life that is kept in this dark box.
There are only two doors with slight windows allowing entrance and exit. Although many enter this dark, dreary place, only few can find the strength , the courage to make their way out. The ocean vista painted on the wall swallows the pride of those brave enough to enter. Limiting the number of souls strong enough to leave.
Children play blissfully, not aware of the darkness around them. Flashing a smile in hopes of creating other smiles in the room. Not sure of the sullen atmosphere and where it came from...they feel it, but the children do not let the darkness rule them. Their strength is far superior to the strength of the parents guiding them. Seeing their light in this dark room gives me hope.
Over the weekend I revisited a media that I thoroughly enjoy...children's birthday parties! My daughter and my niece turned eight. One wanted a theme party, the other a costume party. I combined the two and created a costume party based on the theme - Alice in Wonderland. It was fabulous!!! The majority of the guests dressed up as various characters: a couple of Mad Hatters, a few Tweddles, the White Queen, the Red Queen, and a couple of Cheshire cats. (Sorry if I left anyone out)
I had a ball coming up with different sayings for the invitations. I designed a funky White Rabbit to place at the end driveway to mark the house. I also painted some small sheets of tin into playing cards for us to play croquet with. I found some great pink flamingos at the party store for mallets. It turned into quite a magical afternoon...mother nature even helped us out!
I've been pondering words that start with the letter "P"..... Parties, planning, payment....
Currently, I'm the coolest mom around, and I'll take that and frame it for when my children hit their teenage years! The party was such a hit, between the theme, costumes and rented bouncy house that it turned into a slumber party! Why not! Who said the fun needs to stop at a certain time, I say, keep the good times rolling as long as possible! Bottle them up and store them for when the rain pours down.
Today was the show at the Rochester Opera House. Even though hardly anyone attended (maybe due to the beautiful weather and the fact that it is Father's Day) those of us that entered into the show had an amazing time. We turned lemons into lemonade... if only there was some Vodka! I left there feeling very positive about the direction that I have taken my life.
As the day progressed, I started to come down from my natural high. Wishing that I could just hold on to that wonderful happiness that encompassed the Opera House today just a little longer.
At times a smile seems so far out of reach. Even a memory cannot generate one. But maybe a phone call from an old friend can give me just that little bit of laughter to get me through the night. It helps for a few minutes, then gone again. Damn you Disney!
I continue to follow my dream, still the ultimate passion in my life. Through the heartache, poverty, and helplessness...the dream still prevails. Sometimes I'm not sure why I'm still chasing it, maybe it is chasing me? Never letting go of me. This surreal dream, people laugh and cannot understand, because it is not a part of them. My mind races, constantly with what could be created next, never resting. Shear exhaustion sets in and the dream comes to life in a cloud of delirium. I cannot escape it.
Everyone wants answers to questions we never ask.
We are merely artists, living life the only way we know how.
Sometimes putting our nature on hold for a path that is not of our choosing. But taking it nonetheless to experience what others say is, "normal."
Normal is what we decide for ourselves, not what others project onto us.
Others cannot understand this until they have lived it.
I finally understand why there are so many problems with the Department of Health and Human Services. They have no code of ethics, literally! Being a single parent, I have to deal with DHHS frequently. I was there this week to get another form (endless process) for the department to eventually lose. While I was standing in line for a half hour, no exaggeration, I was talking to the other unfortunate people waiting for questions to be answered. The woman behind me pointed to an enlarged form on the wall titled "Code of Ethics." This poster is framed and hung nicely. As we read the code, we realized that there are very few ethics on this form that hold true as you try to make your way through the system. We both laughed as we read because many people are being mistreated and the atmosphere is not very friendly since you have to talk to people through bullet-proof glass. She mentioned that she never saw this before and was wondering if we could get a printed out version of these ethics to ponder. As my turn approached, I requested my form and then I decided to ask for my copy of the Department's Code of Ethics. The woman, behind the bullet-proof glass looked at me a little befuddeled and responded, "We don't have anything like that here." I said, "Thank you" and went on my way. Now I finally understand why things don't happen the way they should through the Department of Health and Human Services, they simply do not have any code of ethics with in the work environment. It is only in place for the frustating people in line. Maybe they should replace the unused Code with a nice picture that would do more good than a meaningless list of ethics that the workers seem to know nothing about.
Creating art is a wonderful journey for me. I always start with an idea, then I let the medium speak to me. Sometimes we are on the same page and then there are those wonderful times when the artwork takes on a life of it's own. All you can do is follow it's lead and enjoy the adventure!
Lately, my life has had the same reckless creative style as my artwork. And I am slowly learning to just go with the flow and enjoy the adventure. Having three kids to pave the road for has been a hair-pulling, laugh-till-you-cry experience.
It is very exciting that they are now at an age to go to different galleries with me, help me pick out frames and really take part in the lifestyle I have chosen as an artist.
I always enjoyed making people uncomfortable with my art. This has resulted in two of my pieces being set on fire and burnt to a crisp by the people that were the most affected by the artwork.