Why do I jump when I should think and think when I should enjoy the fall? I have been trying to enjoy each moment, live life with no regrets. Then time stops and I think. Think, think way too much. In the moment, I am happy, but outside the moment I am confused. Wondering where this path came from. Is it a path chosen for me or a path I have made in my emotional mind. I feel each moment so strongly. I stopped planning my future a long time ago. I lost my voice for many years and became a being without a soul. Slowly, days pass, weeks pass, years pass, than a decade is gone. All of a sudden, I start spiraling downward - no way out, crashing into my inner darkness.
I begin to awaken, emotions flowing again, my voice is strong and loud. Feeling each moment as purely as it comes. Smiling, crying, laughing, loving as often as I can. No longer dwelling on the past, yet I can't let it go. Not looking toward the future - plans scare me beyond control.
As of late, happiness has scared me more than it should. The ultimate caring, giving of oneself is such a foreign concept. I wonder if I will ever comprehend it. I lose myself in these ideals of wonderful happiness, enjoying the moment. Wondering how long it can truly last and why is it always me? Ultimately tainting the joys with my issues of trust.
Maximus Decimus Meridius
2/1/2011 03:57:19 pm
The future should not be a thing feared, Renda, but a thing respected as an undiscovered country. You bring into this vast land of possibilities everything that you have accrued in your life. You have a great wealth of knowledge of emotion. Perhaps all you lack is the patience to organize it for your life. You obviously have a talent for expressing it in your art, and maybe that is why. The disorganization allows your beautiful free spirit to sing in tones of wonder. Then come the times where you must LIVE! Organization is key here. Honesty with yourself and others who would enjoy you for you, coupled with mindfulness and determination will bring you where your heart wants to go. Your heart cannot do this! Your heart may rule your brush strokes, but must play second fiddle to logic else the fabric of your life might come undone. None of us wish this for you. Happiness should never scare you. If you are honest and healthy in your love, then the future will come to you with all the happiness it can offer. Plans may work, spontaneity may treat you, and chance may deal you a bad hand, but living with strength will see you through all times, good and bad. Never quiet your voice. Never give up your ideals. Live free and love much, but temper your heart with the knowledge that to live in health is to conform with the society around you in as many ways as your intellect can stomach. We all see greatness in you! We know that you can do it! "What we do in life echoes throughout eternity!" -MDM
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I always enjoyed making people uncomfortable with my art. This has resulted in two of my pieces being set on fire and burnt to a crisp by the people that were the most affected by the artwork.